


Between Head and Heart

by NoOneKnowsIWriteThis



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Amnesia, Dubiously Consensual Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Handcuffs, M/M, Married Couple, Memories, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon Cardassia, Threats of Violence, it's not sexy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-14 22:17:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14778305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis/pseuds/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis
Summary: The last thing Garak could remember when he awoke on Cardassia was the disastrous mission at Tzenketh. He did not recognize this Julian Bashir who claimed to be his husband, and he certainly did not recall setting foot on a Federation station called Deep Space 9.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So many thanks to Ameera for prodding me to finish this fic over the months it's taken, and for her dialogue suggestions, which are, as always, wonderful.
> 
> The idea of the Cardassian betrothal knife is taken from "Strange and Distant Shores" by gryvon.

Garak was confused when he awoke. The unfamiliar room was dark, but light from Cardassia’s moon shone dimly through the window. From what he could see the room’s style was certainly Cardassian, and the temperature was certainly warm enough that it felt like his homeworld, though the bed he was lying on was a bit softer than he was accustomed to, and he didn’t recognize the night clothes he wore. He slowly turned his head to survey the rest of the room, then froze when he spotted the bed’s other occupant.

 

Lying curled nearby was a man, likely Human, with dark hair and apparently asleep. The man was lean, as Garak could plainly observe since he wasn’t wearing a shirt and had pushed the blankets entirely off of himself. Garak’s eyes lingered on his chest where a sheathed betrothal knife necklace lay against his elegant collarbones. He pulled his gaze away from the attractive sight and focused instead on the man’s face. Though it was hard to tell in the dark, Garak pegged the man’s age as somewhere around forty.

 

He would learn nothing more from simply looking, Garak decided. In one fluid motion he pulled the other man’s arms above his head and pinned the man’s body with his own. The man beneath him stirred until finally he opened his eyes to blink at Garak in confusion.

 

“Who are you?” Garak demanded.

 

The man groaned. “Elim, it’s the middle of the night. I’m trying to sleep.” He attempted to roll away, but Garak held him in place. The man let out a sigh as he realized that he couldn’t pull free.

 

“Who are you?” Garak demanded again.

 

The man’s expression shifted from tired annoyance to a sultry smirk.  _ “Oh,” _ he said with great understanding. “Who do you want me to be?”

 

Garak frowned. This was not at all the reaction he’d been expecting. With his free hand, he clicked open the man’s betrothal knife and held the blade to his throat. The man quickly said a word in Federation Standard that Garak didn’t understand.

 

“Earth flower,” the universal translator offered.

 

Garak didn’t react, so the man repeated the word. “Iris.” Garak still didn’t react.

 

“Elim, I’m serious. Put it away,” he said firmly, switching back to Kardasi. “That’s the whole point of a-” The man switched back into Federation Standard for the end of his sentence.

 

“Word of protection,” the translator suggested. Garak just blinked. The man’s eyes widened, but in concern rather than in fear.

 

“It’s alright, Elim,” he murmured in a soothing tone. His hands flexed under Garak’s grip, but they didn’t try to break free. “You’re safe. You’re here with me. The walls won’t close in. You’re going to be fine. You’re safe.”

 

Garak frowned. This Human clearly had some sort of connection to Cardassia since he spoke Kardasi and wore a Cardassian betrothal knife. Furthermore, he acted like he knew Garak, calling him by his first name and referencing one of his most guarded secrets: his claustrophobia.

 

“Did Tain send you?” Garak asked warily, not moving the knife.

 

“Tain has been dead for years,” the man replied, his expression growing more concerned. “Elim, I’m your husband, Julian.” Garak didn’t recognize the name. “Elim, this isn’t funny!”

 

“I agree, it’s not,” Garak said dryly. “Now, who are you and what are you doing here?”

 

“I told you, I'm your husband!” the man, ‘Julian’, insisted. “Don't you remember me?” He desperately searched Garak's face for any hint of recognition, but found nothing. “Elim…” The single word was filled with concern and despair.

 

“A useful answer, please,” Garak prompted coldly. Julian's eyes flared with hurt.

 

“Doctor Julian Bashir, currently serving at the Central Hospital in Kardasi’or,” he answered, carefully watching for any sign that Garak was reacting to his story. “Married to Elim Garak, the undersecretary for Interstellar Affairs.”

 

Garak scoffed. “Do you really expect me to believe that?”

 

Julian’s expression would have been a pout if it weren't so desperate. “It's the truth!” he protested. “Elim, please, you-” The rest of his sentence was cut off by Garak pressing the knife more firmly against his throat.

 

“What are you really doing here?” Garak demanded, pulling the knife back slightly so that Julian could answer.

 

He glanced down at the knife being used to threaten him. “Doesn't  _ that _ prove my story? You gave me that betrothal knife.”

 

Garak clicked his tongue in annoyance. He'd hoped Julian would have given up this story by now. “It proves nothing since I don't remember giving it to you. Furthermore, it provides you with an excuse to be carrying a weapon. ”

 

“Elim, I'm telling you the truth,” Julian said desperately. “What possible motive would I have for lying half naked in bed with you otherwise? If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already.”

 

That was true. Garak hadn't noticed being moved to this room or the man joining him in bed until he'd woken up. If the plan had been to kill him, he wouldn't have woken up at all. Of course, there were other possible reasons for this set up.

 

“A convincing argument, if I believed you were trying to kill me,” Garak said, causing Julian to frown in confusion. “But there are other possibilities. You could be trying to get me to give up information or perform some service through this little act.” Garak’s eyes narrowed. “How long have you been working for Starfleet Intelligence?”

 

“I haven't been in Starfleet since I followed you to Cardassia, and I was never in Intelligence,” Julian said defiantly. “I'm your husband. I can prove it!”

 

“Oh?” Garak was curious to see what form this proof would take: forged records, doctored photos, perhaps some precious keepsake he was supposed to recognize. However, he certainly wasn't going to release Julian to satisfy his curiosity. That would be dangerous. “While I'm sure you've got a very convincing forgery hidden around here somewhere, I'm not foolish enough to let you go. Why don't you prove it by telling me something only my husband would know?”

 

“Tain was your father,” Julian answered quickly. “His housekeeper, Mila, was your mother.” Garak tried not to let his surprise show on his face, but some of it must have slipped through because Julian smiled in triumph. “And, in case that's not enough, you suffer from an acute form of claustrophobia.”

 

Garak frowned. Here were three of his most closely guarded secrets laid out before him. It was possible Julian or Starfleet Intelligence or some other agency could have found out one of these secrets, but all three was unlikely. He slid the betrothal knife back into its sheath, but didn’t release the man he had pinned. Julian gave him a delicately hopeful smile.

 

“Why would I marry you?” Garak asked. Obsidian Order agents didn’t marry and didn’t have children, these were sure ways to expose yourself to your enemies. For him to marry someone was inconceivable. Perhaps if it had been part of a mission or a political ploy, Garak would have understood it, but even then he wouldn’t have told the man his secrets.

 

Julian’s face flushed. “Love, I’d hope?” He smiled sheepishly. “Either that or a needlessly complicated plan to keep another doctor on Cardassia.”

 

Love. Garak knew better than to believe  _ that  _ particular honeyed promise. “Unlikely,” he said flatly.

 

“Well, yes, we are an unlikely pair, I'll admit that,” Julian said, seeming far more at ease than Garak expected a man in his position to be now that he was no longer being threatened with a knife.

 

“You said you were in Starfleet once. Did you defect?” Garak changed the topic to something more likely to give him useful information. While some people were often incredibly eager to gush about their lovers and relationships, and Julian struck Garak as one of these people, getting Julian to talk about Garak himself was unlikely to produce anything worthwhile. 

 

That made Julian laugh. “No, no. I emigrated,” he explained. “The Federation and Cardassia are… well, not exactly allies, but they're unlikely to go to war anytime soon.” He shifted in Garak's hold, possibly adjusting to become more comfortable, but still made no move to escape.

 

“What exactly did you do in Starfleet?” Garak asked, still somewhat suspicious. If what Julian claimed was true and they were married there had to be something incredibly special about him, and if his story was false Julian might slip up with more roundabout questioning.

 

“The same thing I do here: practice medicine,” Julian replied. “I went on the occasional mission, naturally, but they were almost all exploratory or medical.”

 

Garak could tell Julian was holding something back from him. “You were  _ just _ a doctor?” His eyes narrowed. 

 

Julian let out a sigh. It seemed that he was tiring of the back and forth as well. “Chief Medical Officer of Deep Space 9, Lt. Julian Subatoi Bashir. All former, of course.”

 

_ “All _ former?” Garak asked. 

 

“Well, technically under Kardasi law, I'm legally named 'Julian Subatoi Bashir-Garak' now. But that's always thrown me a bit. I still go by Bashir.” A blush and a tender smile appeared on his face. Garak said nothing, unsure of how to respond. Julian tentatively spoke again. “Could you let me up? My arms are getting a bit stiff.” Garak simply frowned. “I promise not to attack you.”

 

Garak considered this. It would be nice to be able to explore the room, but in order to do that he'd have to either knock Julian unconscious or trust him not to attack the instant he was free. Garak's eyes fell on the sheets and a third option appeared.

 

“I'm going to tie your wrists,” Garak said firmly. Julian nodded, accepting his fate, then his eyes widened as something occurred to him.

 

“Don't rip the sheets!” he exclaimed. “You'll be furious with yourself later.” Garak blinked at him slowly. “I mean, I'm fine going back to some other kind of fabric, but you were so happy when you found Tabalian satin,” Julian rambled. He bit his lip awkwardly as a brilliant flush spread across his face. “There's, um. There's handcuffs...in the bedside table. Top drawer.” He nodded at the table with his head.

 

Garak let Julian squirm uncomfortably under his gaze for a moment as he tried to figure out how to respond to this bizarre outburst. Finally, he spoke. “For all I know, they could be trick handcuffs.”

 

Julian shook his head. “No, they're simple. They require a key to get out.” His eyes darted away, clearly embarrassed. “That's the whole point of the game,” he mumbled.   
  


“Game?”

 

“...I have to seduce you into a kiss so I can get the key,” Julian explained quietly. His flush, which had started to subside, came back in full force.

 

Garak blinked, completely unsure what to make of that explanation. Julian's story was so specific and so strange that he almost believed that it had to be the truth.

 

Keeping Julian pinned, he reached over and slid open the drawer. He glanced quickly into it, not willing to take his eyes off of Julian for too long, and, deciding it was safe enough, he reached in and pulled out the handcuffs. With surprisingly little resistance, he flipped Julian onto his stomach and cuffed his hands behind his back. Then he took the sheet and tied the handcuffs to the headboard. Julian had enough slack that he could shift and adjust, but he wasn’t going to be able to move from the head of the bed.

 

Satisfied with his handiwork, Garak pulled back as Julian repositioned himself to be sitting up against the headboard. Garak moved around the room, searching for information

 

There were a few holo-images scattered on a shelf. One showed a Human family smiling. The father was light-skinned with fair curly hair. The mother’s dark hair was pulled up in a simple bun. The two children, a boy and a girl, took more after their mother. Judging by the physical differences, this family was probably not related to Julian, so they were likely supposed to be friends.

 

The next image showed a woman and a young man who could possibly have been her son. The woman held a small child in her arms. All of them were much darker than Julian, meaning they were likely meant to be friends as well.

 

There was, of course, the expected wedding photo. It showed Julian wearing a suit in an old, outdated Human style, while Garak wore traditional enjoinment robes. Garak looked at least a decade older than he'd expected to. He frowned at that. It could be a sign of sloppy work...or....

 

The few physical books revealed little. There were a few Cardassian tomes, some Human works of similar gravitas, and some collections of poetry from various species. There was also one book that looked nearly new. It was by a Human author named Jake Sisko. Curious, Garak opened the book and discovered that it held both the author's signature and a handwritten message from him. Garak couldn't read Federation Standard, but he recognized the letters that formed his name. This puzzled him. It was such an odd detail to add if this was all a ruse. He placed the book back on the shelf.

 

As Garak continued to scan the shelf, his gaze fell on a small furry creature. Under closer examination it proved to be a stuffed toy, somewhat worn and mended with large sloppy stitches, as if by a child's unsteady hands. Garak turned back to the bed where he'd left Julian, holding the toy so the Human could see it.

 

“Are you going to now tell me this belongs to our child?” Garak asked lightly. That would be a logical way to take this bizarre story: Garak had a loving family with a beautiful husband and wonderful children, trying to capture an emotional hold to manipulate him with.

 

“Uh... actually. That's mine,” Julian said haltingly, offering Garak a sheepish smile. “We don't have children.”

 

Garak placed the toy back on the shelf and surveyed room once again. Julian's story made no sense and that was what made it believable. It was full of strange details that would be reckless to add to a cover story. But there was one detail that Julian had let slip that he needed to question.

 

“You mentioned earlier that Tain was dead,” he stated, making his way back towards the bed, but careful not to get too close. Julian nodded. “Did you kill him?”

 

“What? No!” Julian protested, his eyes wide with shock at the accusation. “It's thanks to me the bastard lasted as long as he did.”

 

“And so on his deathbed he revealed his secrets to you?” Garak asked skeptically. Though it would be wildly out of character for Tain, it would explain how Julian knew about Garak’s parentage.

 

“He revealed them to  _ you _ ,” Julian insisted. He frowned as a thought occurred to him. “Though you had a hell of a tough time getting him to actually admit anything beyond that he wanted his enemies killed.”

 

That…actually sounded very much like Tain. Too much so for Julian to have simply guessed.

 

Garak narrowed his eyes. “You say it like you were there.”   
  
“I was. He couldn't see and you had me stay and told him you were alone.” Julian frowned at Garak’s lack of recognition. “Elim... I'm worried. You don't remember any of this do you?” Julian's eyes were filled with concern.

 

“It is not familiar to me,” Garak stated neutrally.

  
“Not even Deep Space 9?” Julian asked, desperation creeping back into his voice.

 

“I don't know what that is.”

 

Julian looked like he'd been punched. “It's where we met. You were already there, and then I was stationed there, and you introduced yourself. You touched my shoulders. I didn't know what that meant at first.” Julian forced himself to stop rambling and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself.

 

Garak watched him closely. If this whole thing was a ruse, Julian was an excellent actor. His panic and despair and concern certainly seemed real enough.

 

Finally, Julian opened his eyes again, meeting Garak’s firm gaze. His expression was one of concern, but Garak could see the panic he was fighting to keep back.

 

“Wait…” Julian’s expression turned thoughtful. “Elim... Do you think you still have the implant? In your head?” Garak tilted his head, confused both as to how Julian knew of the implant’s existence and why he was acting like it was no longer there. Slowly, ever so slowly, Garak nodded. Julian’s face lit up at the admission. “If you do something small, like pricking your finger, you'll realize it doesn't work anymore. That will prove that you don't remember everything!”

 

Warily, Garak approached Julian, when the man made no move to attack, Garak reached over and unsheathed the betrothal knife around Julian’s neck.

 

“Be careful,” Julian cautioned. “Don’t do anything big.”

 

Garak considered the knife in his hand, then he grabbed Julian’s jaw and pulled him close, so close that their breaths mingled together.

 

“Is the blade poisoned?” he asked, watching for the faintest hint of a lie in Julian’s expression.

 

“No,” Julian answered solemnly. “I swear on my life.” Julian’s eyes were open and earnest. He was telling the truth.

 

Garak released Julian and slid the blade along the tip of his thumb. Instead of the soothing pleasure he was expecting, Garak was hit by a sharp burst of pain. He reeled back, hissing. The knife fell from his hand and clattered on the floor.

 

Julian’s voice managed to pierce through his surprise. “Elim, you’re going to be fine. Now, my medical kit is under the bed.” He projected a surprisingly commanding presence for a man who was handcuffed and tied to his bed.

 

Instead of retrieving the knife or searching for the medical kit, Garak grabbed Julian's shoulder, slamming him back against the headboard. “So your plan is to torture me, is that it?” he growled. Julian blinked, slightly dazed, and let out a soft groan of pain. “You found a way to deactivate the implant, so now you think I’m weak?”

 

“No! I wouldn’t-” Julian protested as his gaze slowly refocused. “Elim, think. Why bother with this elaborate set up if I was going to torture you?”

 

“Then why doesn’t the implant work?” Garak hissed. “What did you do?”

 

“It was killing you!” Julian exclaimed. “You’d had it on continuously for years and it was starting to break down. So I disabled it.” Julian’s expression was open and sorrowful. “You nearly died,” he whispered.

 

“And you selflessly swooped in to save my life, is that your story?”

 

Julian glared, though there wasn't anger behind it, but rather determination. “I'm a doctor, that's my job.”   
  


Garak scoffed again. “How would a Starfleet doctor's job possibly involve saving a member of the Obsidian Order?”

  
“You hadn't confirmed that.” Julian worried his lip. “And when you told me, well, I wasn't going to let you die.” His warm hazel eyes met Garak’s icy blue ones. “You were and still are my friend.”

  
“So you didn't report me?” Garak asked skeptically. Then he sneered. “Or was I sent off to a prison and you consider yourself my  _ rehabilitation _ ?”

 

Julian's eye's whirled with incredulous hurt. “Elim, that was over a decade ago! That's not why we're married or why I'm here. It's just one of the many things that's happened to us. I mean, yes, it was significant and meaningful, but I love you from a culmination of things and reasons!” He let out a frustrated huff and frowned. “My medical tricorder is in the kit under the bed. Would you mind scanning yourself? Something is obviously wrong.”

 

Garak pulled back and, still keeping an eye on Julian, he looked under the bed. There sat an unassuming medical kit. Garak pulled it out and cautiously opened it. Inside it appeared to be nothing more than Julian claimed. There was a hypospray with various doses of medicine, a dermal regenerator, a medical tricorder, and various other pieces of equipment. He pulled the medical tricorder out of its cradle, opened it, and gave it a long look. His eyes flicked back to Julian.

 

“How about I scan you first, hmm?”

 

Julian rolled his eyes. “Elim, it's not going to hurt you.”

 

Garak ignored Julian’s comment and proceeded with the scan. “Human,” he muttered absently, “approximately early 40s, nothing unusual except an elevated heart rate.”

 

Julian gave him a wry look. “My husband just slammed me into a wall. You’ll have to forgive me for not being a picture of perfect health.” Garak simply blinked. Julian cleared his throat awkwardly and offered a nervous smile. “Could you scan yourself? Please?”

 

Rather than reply, Garak started the scan. He frowned at the results.

 

“Late 50s-early 60s? Your ruse is falling apart. I’m not that old.”

 

A fond smile grew on Julian’s face. “Yes, Elim. You are.” He let out a soft sigh. “There’s a mirror in the bathroom, if you don’t believe me.” He gestured with his head towards a nearby door. Garak gave him a skeptical look as he warily retreated into the bathroom.

 

Instead of the not even 30 year old face he'd been expecting, Garak’s reflection showed him to be roughly twice that age. He examined his reflection for a bit before stepping back into the bedroom. Julian anxiously watched him emerge.

 

“You're actually telling the truth, aren't you?” Garak asked softly. Julian's entire face lit up.

 

“Believe me,” he said with a smile, “I'm not the one who lies in this relationship.”

 

Garak sat on the bed, looking at Julian curiously. “Why would a Human marry a Cardassian?” He didn't dare voice the question he really wanted to ask: Why would you marry  _ me _ ?

 

Julian smiled fondly at him. “Love. I know it might be hard for you to believe, but I truly love you.”

 

“But how did this even develop?” Garak asked, tilting his head. “You say we met on a station, that I approached you. How did that situation even occur?”

 

“Elim, what's the last thing you remember?” Julian's expression turned serious.

 

“Tzenketh,” Garak replied crisply, suppressing a shudder. Julian's eyes widened in concern.

 

“Oh, love,” he murmured tenderly. “You're safe now.”

 

“I'd imagine so, since I'm not the one tied to the bed,” Garak said, his tone coming out harsher than he intended.

 

Julian blinked in surprise, then a soft chuckle escaped his lips. “No. I suppose you're not.” His laughter ended with a sigh. “Could you show me your scan results?” Julian turned professional once again. “I’d do it myself, but…” He shrugged, causing the handcuffs to jangle.

 

Garak considered this for a moment, then he moved so he could reach the bedsheet. Julian shifted, granting him easier access as he untied the sheet.

 

“Where’s the key?” Garak asked.

 

“In the same drawer that the cuffs were in,” Julian replied with a grin. Garak gave him an unreadable look, then reached into the drawer and pulled out the key. He paused, and Julian noticed his hesitation.

 

“I promise I would never hurt you, Elim.”

 

Still, Garak held back. “Didn't you say there were rules to this game?”

 

Julian rolled his eyes. “Elim, you don't remember who I am.”

 

Garak simply smirked. “Yes, but you remember me. I'm simply checking your story,  _ husband _ .”

 

A long-suffering sigh escaped Julian's lips. “Fine. Come here.” Garak shifted close enough that Julian could easily close the distance between them. Julian's gaze met his for a brief moment, then Julian leaned forward and their lips came together.

 

Garak didn't mean to close his eyes, they slid shut of their own accord. He felt himself melting against Julian's warmth, following his lead, and then pursuing for a brief moment as Julian pulled away.

 

When Garak's eyes fluttered open, he was met with a tender look from Julian.

 

“I don't suppose you remember that?” Julian asked softly.

 

“Unfortunately no,” Garak replied. If that was how Julian could make him feel with just a kiss, he longed to see what the man could do with more. They were supposedly married, so presumably Julian knew about neck ridges, but he wondered if even then he would have dared tell Julian about the chufa or would he have considered it giving Julian too much power over him.

 

Julian leaned back against the headboard. “I suppose it was too much to hope that true love's kiss would fix everything,” he said, half joking.

 

“You're truly in love with me.” It was somewhere between a statement and a question. Despite the rapidly mounting evidence, Garak still found it hard to believe that someone could honestly love him, especially someone as appealing as Julian.

 

“Madly, devotedly, and with all my being,” Julian replied earnestly.

 

Garak absorbed this silently, then, without a word, he unlocked the handcuffs and placed them and the key back in the drawer. He turned back to find Julian absently rubbing his wrists. As soon as Julian noticed Garak's focus he quickly picked up the medical tricorder and began scanning Garak.

 

He frowned as he read the results. “That's odd,” he muttered.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“This reading. It could just be an anomaly with the tricorder, it's very faint, but…” Julian looked up, making eye contact. “The last time I saw a reading like this was when your implant was active.”

 

Garak stared at Julian for a moment before he slowly spoke. “I thought you said you'd disabled it.”

 

“I did!” Julian insisted, looking back at the tricorder. “It couldn’t be removed, but it was disabled, and I disconnected it.” Garak frowned as Julian ran the scan again and his expression grew even more grim. Julian glanced up and his face instantly shifted into a professional mask that was meant to be reassuring. “It's going to be okay, Elim. We'll figure this out.”

 

“You sound quite certain,” Garak noted. Clearly he was dying and Julian was trying to keep him from panicking. He’d mentioned before that the wire malfunctioning had almost killed Garak.

  
Julian smiled sheepishly. “Failure's never really been an option for me.” He turned thoughtful and started planning. “I don’t have the equipment I need for more scans here, so we’ll have to go to the hospital. Thankfully we both have the day off, so we don’t have to worry about that.” Julian placed his hand on top of Garak’s in what was clearly meant to be a comforting gesture. “You always criticize me, saying I can't save everyone. But I'll be damned if I can't save you.” 

 

Garak skeptically raised an eye ridge. “Is this what you do? Find lost causes and throw yourself into them completely?”

 

“You're hardly a lost cause,” Julian protested. “We've taken a few tricorder readings, that's far from extensive treatment.”

 

“My amnesia is not the only lost cause I was referring to.” Garak pulled his hand away and fiddled awkwardly the the hem of his shirt. Garak himself was nothing if not a lost cause.

 

“Well, I'm a bit of a mess myself, to be honest.” Julian grinned brightly at him, then stepped off the bed to retrieve his betrothal knife necklace from where Garak had dropped it on the floor. As he leaned down, Garak noticed the blood smear he’d left on the Human’s shoulder. His eyes darted away as Julian straightened up.

 

“Yes, that brings me to another question.”

 

“Ask away,” Julian replied as he clicked the necklace back into place around his neck.

 

“What’s  _ wrong  _ with you?”

 

Julian stared at him blankly. “...I’m sorry?”

 

“You're an attractive man in the medical profession.” Garak wanted to look away, this was getting painfully close to revealing dangerous information about himself, but he forced himself to watch Julian’s reaction as he spoke. “You were a Chief Medical Officer and lieutenant in Starfleet. What makes someone like you give that up and come to Cardassia with a man so much older than him?”

 

Julian smiled fondly and shook his head. “As I’ve already said, I love you dearly. But I know you have a hard time believing that.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “There’s lots of reasons, but I suppose one of the biggest is...I’m genetically enhanced. It’s illegal in the Federation, and augments like myself aren’t allowed to practice medicine or join Starfleet. They allowed me to continue serving when I was discovered, but we were in the middle of a war. Afterwards… Well, my career was basically over. Starfleet certainly wasn’t going to promote or reassign me if they could avoid it. I couldn’t practice medicine anywhere else in the Federation, and the station was…” He shrugged. “I wanted to go somewhere that I was needed, somewhere I could be useful. Cardassia needed doctors, didn’t care about my enhancements, and...and you were here.” He smiled softly at Garak. “So I came.”

 

“And then?” Garak asked. Julian being genetically enhanced explained quite a few things for Garak. It meant Julian had fled from the Federation as much as he had followed Garak to Cardassia.

 

Julian’s hand went to touch the knife gracing his collar bones. “Then you convinced me to stay.” Garak awkwardly looked away. This moment of open intimacy and affection intimidated him. He didn’t know how to react.

 

Thankfully, Julian took pity on him and turned his attention toward getting ready to leave for the hospital.

 

First, Julian healed the cut on Garak's thumb and used a wet cloth to wipe away the blood, both on Garak's thumb and on his own shoulder. Then he went to a closet that Garak had ignored earlier and pulled out two very different outfits. One was a traditional Cardassian tunic made of nice dark fabrics with matching pants; this one he handed to Garak. The other outfit consisted of a light blue shirt with fabric that would drape to cover the shoulders and the top of the wearer’s arms instead of proper sleeves and a flowing pair of gray pants. Julian kept that one for himself. Garak retreated into the bathroom as Julian began to pull the shirt over his head.

 

He took his time changing into the clothes, several times getting distracted by his reflection. He was almost done when someone knocked on the bathroom door. Instantly, he tensed up.

 

“Elim?” Julian called through the door. “Breakfast is ready.” Garak's stomach growled as he checked himself once more in the mirror. Satisfied that he'd at least put the outfit on correctly, he opened the door. Julian’s eyes lit up at Garak’s entrance. He began to reach his hand out toward Garak’s face before catching himself and lowering it. Julian gave a sheepish smile and then gestured to a nearby doorway. “This way.”

 

Garak followed Julian down the hallway to the dining room where two plates were laid out on the table. They ate in silence, and Julian cleared away the dishes when they were done.

 

“Well then, let's go,” Julian announced. He smiled at Garak and offered his arm. Garak hesitantly took it and bit back a gasp when Julian shifted their hands into the appropriate position for a married couple. Julian seemed to pick up on his discomfort because he gave Garak an apologetic look. “Sorry,” he said, unlacing their fingers. “Force of habit.”

 

They made their way quickly through the predawn streets of the city. Julian clearly knew the way to the hospital quite well, quickly guiding him past damaged and destroyed buildings, as well as new construction and repairs. Garak frowned. Julian had mentioned that there had been a war, but if this was the state Kardasi’or was in, the rest of the planet was likely in worse shape.

 

As soon as they walked through the doors a doctor marched over to them.

 

“Doctor Bashir, it is your day off,” she scolded. “What are you doing here?”

 

Julian grinned at the reprimand. “Tacell, I'm not here for work. Elim isn't feeling well and he doesn't like anyone else treating him.”

 

Tacell’s eyes flicked to Garak, quickly appraising him, before turning her attention back to Julian. “Alright, but I better not catch you doing any other work,” she warned with a smile. “Your usual exam room should be open.”

 

“Thank you,” Julian replied, before leading Garak through the hospital to a small exam room. Julian immediately went to the console and began to flip through menus, leaving Garak standing awkwardly next to the examination table.

 

“Julian?” he called out.

 

“Yes, Elim?” Julian replied, turning back to look at Garak, his eyes sparkling with delight before he schooled his expression back into something more subdued.

 

“What exactly happened to the city? It appeared to be completely in shambles.”

 

Julian let out a brief sigh. “I told you there was a war. Cardassia...Cardassia Prime took some of the worst damage, though several Federation planets were hit badly as well. The Dominion bombed the planet from orbit. I…” Julian hesitated as his gaze drifted back to the screen in front of him. “I was with you when the initial casualty report came in.” He stopped talking, but there was nothing more that needed to be said. Garak could deduce the rest.

 

Julian didn’t speak much while he ran the various scans, and for a while Garak didn’t prompt him, letting Julian run the machines and get the information he needed. But eventually his curiosity overwhelmed him; he wanted to know more about this seemingly charmed life that he apparently led.

 

“You said that we were friends before we were lovers. How did that change?”

 

Julian smiled at him while he picked up yet another medical instrument and crossed over to Garak’s side to begin scanning. “After I’d been in Kardassi'or for a bit, I learned what the subtle body cues mean. So I realized you'd been at least attracted to me once. I’d always wondered, but it can be hard enough gauging cross-species interest when the person is forthcoming, which you never were. Then…” Julian glanced away sheepishly as he trailed off.

 

“Then?” Garak prompted.

 

“I came over with a bottle of kanar claiming I wanted to celebrate a successful operation I'd performed.”

 

“You got me drunk?” Garak was impressed if that was indeed the case. Usually when he did drink it was very carefully.

 

“I got myself drunk,” Julian explained with a rueful chuckle. “Humans don't handle their kanar as well as Cardassians. I needed to work up the nerve to kiss you.”

 

“And with enough liquid courage, we became involved?” Garak asked wryly, raising an eye ridge.

 

A blush appeared on Julian’s cheeks. “Actually... I passed out before I did anything.” Garak smirked, causing Julian to shoot him a hurt look. “I was nervous! You're not always the most approachable man.”

 

“Your seduction technique leaves much to be desired,” Garak commented dryly, refusing to admit that he actually found the tale of Julian’s bumbling nervousness incredibly charming.

 

_ “Anyway,”  _ Julian continued, “I woke up on your couch where I'd fallen asleep. Except now I had a pillow and thin blanket. I found you sleeping in your bedroom and decided to join you.”

 

Garak gave him a skeptical look. “You simply went into my bed while I was sleeping?”

 

Julian chuckled. “I  _ tried  _ to. You’re a very light sleeper. You pinned me to the bed, thinking I was going to hurt you.”

 

“A safe assumption,” Garak interjected.

 

Julian ignored him. “And then I just…” Julian trailed off again.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I kissed you. You thought I was joking, and I was too nervous and hungover to say anything so I just kissed you again and…” Julian’s flush returned in full force. “Well, I got to join you in bed after all.”

 

The fondness and delight in Julian’s expression at the memory made Garak keenly wish he could recall it as well. If he had his memories, he could have kissed the beautiful being in front of him and felt secure in the knowledge that such advances would have been welcomed, but as things stood, Garak suspected that even if Julian allowed him to take such liberties for a moment, it would only last until Julian remembered that the man he was kissing was not truly his husband and pulled back.

 

It was Julian’s concerned expression that made Garak realize that he’d been silent for too long.

 

“We slept together before we were enjoined?” he asked, trying to deflect Julian’s attention.

 

Julian burst into laughter. “Don’t act so scandalized. Just because it’s not acceptable to talk about it in Cardassian culture, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen.” Garak conceded the point with a tilt of his head.

 

\--

 

The rest of the day was mostly a flurry of medical scans and tests and analyses. But then the headaches started. The first one was an explosion of pain, strong enough to make Garak collapse onto the nearby biobed. Garak’s eyes squeezed shut in a vain attempt to block out the lighting, which despite being only a little brighter than Cardassian standard, now felt like a sun shining directly through his skull. He could hear Julian set aside whatever work he’d been doing and rush to his side.

 

“Elim, I’m going to give you something for the pain, alright?” Julian whispered quickly. Garak barely managed to nod as he heard Julian preparing a hypospray. Julian gently coaxed Garak’s head back, providing him access to the neck so he could administer the hypospray. Garak heard the familiar hiss and then Julian took his hand, making soothing motions with his thumb while Julian’s other hand lightly stroked his hair. “It’s going to be alright,” Julian murmured, though Garak wondered who exactly the doctor was trying to convince of that.

 

After a few moments, the medicine took effect and Garak relaxed as the pain eased. Julian stopped his ministrations as Garak looked at him, his expression grim.

 

“It’s going to be alright, Elim,” Julian pledged solemnly. “I’ll fix this.”

 

Garak’s eyes narrowed in suspicion rather than in response to the light. “There’s something bothering you, something you’re not telling me.”

 

Julian glanced away, took a breath to steady himself, and then spoke. “When your implant broke down the first time, you started getting headaches.” Garak’s eyes widened and he nodded in understanding. Julian had managed to save him the last time his implant malfunctioned, but there was a decent chance that this time he wouldn’t be able to.

 

\--

 

Julian had clearly been dissatisfied with the results of his work, and Garak was certain that if Julian hadn’t felt responsible for his wellbeing the doctor would have stayed at the hospital, working until he found a solution.

 

They did return to their house eventually. Julian helped situate Garak in the bed, and then went to take a pillow. Garak grabbed his wrist, catching him. Julian looked at him warily.

 

“You don’t need to give up your bed for me,” Garak said softly, unable to meet Julian’s eyes. He could hear Julian’s mouth fall open as the man prepared a response, but Garak quickly continued. “Besides, I want my doctor well-rested.” He glanced up in time to catch Julian’s slow nod.

 

\--

 

Julian was kissing him. Garak felt all his resistance melt away as Julian kissed him again and again. He placed a hand on Julian’s cheek, causing the man to still.

 

“If...if you’re not interested…” Julian said shyly.

 

“Oh, my dear,” Garak breathed. “I’ve been interested since the first moment I laid eyes on you.” He paused, watching Julian’s eyes glow and sparkle in response. “And I’ve loved you for nearly as long.”

 

“I love you too,” Julian replied. The words wrapped around Garak, embracing him as Julian rolled them so that he was on top. “Passionately.” Julian leaned down and pressed a kiss to Garak’s chest as their clothes disappeared.

 

“You came to Cardassia for me?” Garak heard his voice ask as Julian’s hands ran across his body.

 

“Who else?” Julian’s voice seemed to come from somewhere other than where he was chuckling against Garak’s neck. Garak pulled Julian up into a kiss.

 

Suddenly Garak was on top with Julian moaning desperately into his mouth. Garak moved to nip at Julian’s neck, making Julian gasp and writhe with pleasure.

 

“Ah! Gar-” Julian’s voice caught as Garak sharply bit the spot where his neck and shoulder met. “Elim! I love you. Need you. Please.”

 

“Would you stay on Cardassia for me?” Garak's voice asked, though he wasn't speaking.

 

_ “Elim,” _ Julian's voice breathed in awe, but it wasn't coming from the man Garak was ravishing.  _ “Yes!”  _ A betrothal knife necklace appeared on Julian's previously bare neck.

 

Then Julian was above him, straddling him, pressing desperate kisses to Garak's neck. Garak caught his face and guided Julian to his lips for a proper and deep kiss. Julian's mouth opened slightly, allowing Garak to slip his tongue inside. They were melding together. And Garak was so, so warm.

 

\--

 

Julian awoke first. Garak’s arms were wrapped around him, an unusual occurrence given how warm it was, but Julian had no reason to complain. The previous day had been long, stressful, and exhausting for him, and he relaxed himself into his husband’s loving embrace. Then he remembered exactly what had made the previous day so terrible: the man who was holding him wasn’t really his husband. Julian carefully tried to slip out of Garak’s grip, but while Garak’s memories were missing, his hold was as strong as ever.

 

A weary sigh escaped Julian’s lips. He wished keenly that he had someone he could properly talk to about this: having to deal with someone who was almost his husband, but not quite, having to save his beloved’s life without being able to properly show his feelings, having to remind himself to step back whenever he started to show the natural affection of a married man to Garak, who was no longer his husband, who didn’t even remember him.

 

He could send a message to the O’Briens. Both Keiko and Miles had dealt with similar situations: Keiko when Miles had been replaced by a clone, and Miles when Keiko had been possessed by a Pah Wraith. But it would take ages for a subspace transmission to get to Earth and even longer for their responses to arrive.

 

It was the same problem with most of his friends: many of them just lived too far away to talk to about emergencies like this. Kira, Jake, and Kassidy were all closer, but it would still take hours for his transmission to reach them.

 

Julian did have friends on Cardassia, but, while politics were far less cutthroat now, discussing his husband’s private illness would still be considered a bad move and exposing his husband to attack. He would have to deal with this as best he could on his own unless he needed one of his coworkers to help with Garak’s treatment.

 

Julian allowed the indulgence of relaxing into Garak’s arms again. The man had no memory of being his husband, but Julian remembered being his, and he desperately needed what little comfort he could get today.


	2. Chapter 2

When Garak awoke, he was alone in the bed, and Julian was nowhere to be seen.

 

Slowly, Garak got out of bed and made his way to the closet, where he picked out another outfit and changed into it. Then he silently made his way down the hallway towards the dining room. Julian sat at the table, frowning at a PADD, likely one containing Garak’s test results. Garak awkwardly cleared his throat, causing Julian to spin around in his chair.

 

“Elim!” he exclaimed, clearly startled. A too-wide smile appeared on his face. “Are you alright?” He got up and guided Garak to the other chair. “Any pain? Do you need anything?”

 

Garak smiled politely back. “Just breakfast.”

 

Julian nodded and darted over to the replicator, returning with two meals, one of which he placed in front of Garak. “Rokassa juice or red leaf tea?” he asked.

 

“Tea,” Garak answered. Julian again went to the replicator and came back with two mugs of red leaf tea.

 

“Did you sleep well?” Julian asked, sliding back into his seat.

 

Garak nodded, taking a sip of his tea. “Yes, quite well, thank you,” he replied, trying to keep his mind from dwelling on the incredible dream he’d had the night before. It had felt so real, more like a memory than a dream, and perhaps it was.

 

Julian's forced smile returned as he peppered Garak with various questions about how he was feeling. Garak answered them fairly honestly, but he was unable to shake the suspicion that he was dying and Julian was unwilling to tell him that.

 

When Garak had finished his breakfast, Julian, who had finished much sooner, stood and swept away the dishes.

 

This time it was Garak who took Julian's hand and interlaced their fingers while Julian glanced away uncomfortably.

 

“I'm sorry,” Garak apologized, reluctantly separating their fingers. “I thought…” He'd thought he could hide behind Julian's desire to keep Garak's lack of memories a secret and allow himself the illusion of affection.

 

“It's fine,” Julian replied quickly, his smile too wide to be genuine. “I just…” He shrugged helplessly. “It's nothing.” Garak frowned, but didn't voice his disbelief.

 

Julian led him back to the hospital and the same examination room in silence. Julian immediately threw himself back into his work, leaving Garak to sit by himself.

 

“Any ideas?” he asked when Julian approached him for another scan.

 

Julian frowned. “As far as I can tell, your brain is trying to activate the implant, which is what caused that reading on my tricorder. That, combined with the existing damage from the last time you used the implant is what's causing the headaches. As for the memory loss...” He let out a sigh. “My best guess is some sort of trauma served as the trigger. Your existing damage  _ could _ make you more susceptible to amnesia and other conditions.” He completed the scan and placed the medical tool on a nearby table, then placed his hand on Garak’s upper arm. “I promise you, I  _ will  _ solve this, Elim.”

 

“I can see you believe that,” Garak whispered. “But, Julian.” He hesitated before cautiously raising his hand to cup Julian’s cheek, his thumb tracing where the orbital ridge would end on a Cardassian. “My dear, you can’t solve everything.”

 

Julian’s eyes slipped closed as he leaned into Garak’s hand, then he tilted forward and Garak found himself being kissed. There was an explosion of warmth inside Garak’s body, of soft, tender feelings, of love, of longing. He felt like he was going to overflow. He opened his mouth, hoping to coax Julian into deepening the kiss, but instead Julian reeled back, leaving a cold emptiness in his place.

 

“I’m sorry.” Julian’s eyes were frantic, panicking, but also filled with so much sadness that for a moment Garak wondered if the man before him was about to break. “I shouldn’t have…” He raised his hand, gestured vaguely at Garak, and then let it fall helplessly.

 

“I was hardly complaining,” Garak pointed out. He gripped at the sides of the biobed that he sat on. He was out of his depth. If this was a seduction he would have had some idea what he was doing, but this was something messy and sentimental. He had no training on how to handle it.

 

“That’s not...” Julian buried his face in his hands and groaned. “I can’t… I shouldn’t…” He took a breath and grounded himself as his hands dropped from his face. When he spoke again it was cautiously, carefully picking his words. “You are not my husband, no matter how close you are to being him.  _ And  _ I’m your doctor. There are all kinds of consent issues at play. I’m not going to...to take advantage of a man who can’t even remember me.” Julian wrapped his arms around himself, looking in desperate need of comfort.

 

“I do remember some things,” Garak said before his mind properly registered what he was saying. Julian’s eyes snapped to him. “I…” Garak faltered. All he remembered was a dream made from mixed up memories, but maybe the knowledge that his husband wasn’t as lost as it appeared would reassure Julian even a little bit. “I remember when we first said we loved each other.” Julian frowned, and Garak could see that he needed more specifics. “You kissed me and asked if I was interested. I told you that I’d been interested since I first saw you...and that I’d loved you nearly as long.”

 

Julian’s expression remained wary, but he did look slightly less miserable.

 

Garak cleared his throat and continued. “And...and I remember asking you to stay. On Cardassia. As my husband.” Julian’s hand went to the betrothal knife around his neck. Garak dropped his gaze. It would be so easy to let that be it, let Julian assume there were more memories that had returned, but he couldn’t lie to Julian, not about this. “The memories aren’t complete, and I don’t remember anything else, but…” He looked up. Julian’s eyes sparkled with a faint glimmer of hope. Garak smiled softly at him.  _ This _ , he could sense, was the man he’d fallen in love with.

 

\--

 

While Julian did seem to regain some of his fire and determination after Garak’s confession, he studiously kept a good amount of space between them, clearly worried that he’d have another lapse in judgement. He worked furiously, running test after test, analysis after analysis, and simulation after simulation.

 

After what felt like an eternity of this distance, Garak let out a sigh. “Doctor…” That got Julian’s attention.

 

“You're not calling me Julian anymore?” he asked, surprised. His hands automatically continued their work, raising yet another medical instrument to perform yet another scan.

 

“I'm just trying to figure out what would make you feel more at ease,” Garak said, trying to feign an air of casualness, as if this were for Julian's benefit rather than his own, though he suspected Julian could easily see through it. “Nothing I do seems to be right.”

 

“I don't understand.” Julian finished the scan and set the instrument aside.

 

“You're nervous around me. Because I'm not your husband, I understand but…” Garak hesitated. “I truly wish I were the man you loved.”

 

“Love,” Julian corrected quickly, his hand absently reaching out before he caught it and brought it back to his side. “And you  _ are _ , you're just in need of some treatment right now.” Julian gave a determined nod, as much trying to convince himself as convince Garak.

 

“Was I always…” Garak trailed off. He wasn't sure if he wanted to reveal more weakness to a man who already held so much power over him without even trying.

 

“Yes?” Julian prompted, looking at Garak with those beautiful eyes of his. Garak felt like he could happily drown in those eyes.

 

“Was I always this infatuated with you?” he breathed.

 

Julian gave him a charmingly puzzled smile. “As in... were we always this domestic?”

 

Garak's gaze nervously darted away. “As in, I've only really known you for a day and a half, but I can see why I married you.”   
  
“Well, you said you remember when we said we loved each other.” Garak spotted a blush appearing on Julian's cheeks before Julian turned back to his equipment and began running another analysis.

  
“I said I'd been interested in you since I first saw you... and loved you for nearly as long.”

  
“Yes, so... well, I can't tell you exactly when it started, I mean, I was somewhat oblivious.” Julian smiled sheepishly as he turned back from the computer.

 

“Why did I wait so long?” Julian had explained that they'd been friends for years, but it wasn't until Julian had lived on Cardassia for a while and made  _ his _ interest clear that Garak had acted. That was unusual. Cardassians tended to make their interests clear quickly if they were going to act on them.

  
“Good things come to those who wait.” Julian chuckled at what was likely meant to be a joke. “But, honestly, things were complicated. When we first met, I was a bit ridiculous, I'm surprised you liked me at all. Not to mention the Bajorans probably wouldn't have liked the CMO dating a Cardassian.”

 

“So you couldn't risk your career.” Garak nodded to himself. That made sense. It would have been a dangerous gamble to ask Julian to put his career in jeopardy just to start a relationship with him.

  
“ _ You _ didn't give me the chance to,” Julian said, rolling his eyes. “I would have in a heartbeat.”

 

Garak blinked, surprised. “But you say you didn't realize your feelings until later?” Would Julian have really been willing to risk his entire career for a man he had just met? When he wasn't even sure how he’d felt about him?

 

“You underestimate how impulsive I am,” Julian replied with a small smirk. “Besides, just because I didn't recognize my feelings doesn't mean they weren't there.” He shrugged as he turned back to quickly adjust something on the computer. “If you were to ask Miles, he'd tell you I was infatuated from the very start.”

 

“Oh?” Garak prompted, trying to hide how intrigued he was.

  
Julian laughed uncomfortably as he finished entering information into the computer and stepped back towards Garak. “I... sort of ran into Ops excitedly declaring you'd introduced yourself to me.”

 

Now it was Garak's turn to smirk, causing Julian to scoff.

 

“Don't act like I'm the lovesick fool,  _ you _ touched my shoulders and essentially propositioned me.”   
  


“I don't doubt that I'm the lovesick one,” Garak conceded. “But you may be the fool.”

 

Julian let out a sigh. “We're not having this argument again.  _ Especially _ when you can't remember half of your points.” He smiled tenderly at Garak, though he still kept a good amount of distance between them. “Just accept that I love you and, after considering my options, decided to marry you. I'll have you know I could have had an  _ excellent _ career as a plastic surgeon on Ferenginar,” Julian joked lightly.

 

“I can see that you do love me, I just... I don't see why?” Garak shrugged helplessly. 

 

“Because you make me happy,” Julian answered warmly. “Because you're brilliant and witty and cynical in a way I find frustratingly delightful. Because you accept and love everything about me.” Julian smiled sheepishly. “I love you because I love you.” He quickly turned his attention back to the computer where he’d just been working.

 

There was silence for a bit as Julian focused on his work, his expression falling back into a professional mask, until the computer chirped again. Julian quickly read what was on the screen again and again as an excited grin spread across his face.

 

\--

 

That led to Garak being told to lie on the biobed while Julian pulled out some small pieces of equipment and attached them to Garak’s head.

 

“Your memories are still in your brain,” Julian began to explain. “However, there’s something that’s blocking you from accessing them. Essentially these will just stimulate parts of your brain, hopefully getting it to work through the block faster.” Julian frowned slightly. “Unfortunately, with your altered brain chemistry, I have to be much more careful with my approach, but this should at least be safe, even if it doesn’t work.” Julian activated the devices and then stepped back to carefully monitor Garak’s readings.

 

The process itself took less than an hour, but Julian insisted that they wait and run a few precautionary tests just in case.

 

Despite Julian’s caution, they still returned to their home with plenty of time for dinner.

 

\--

 

Julian refused to share the bed that night, insisting that he would be perfectly fine on the couch, so Garak spent the beginning of the night tossing and turning, surprised at how much his body was used to the presence of another person.

 

When Garak awoke and left the bedroom, Julian was already up and bustling around the house, though still in his pajamas and, therefore, shirtless. Garak barely got a moment to appreciate the sight before Julian brushed past him into the bedroom and shut the door.

 

Julian emerged a few minutes later, fully dressed, then went back to the dining room. Garak trailed behind him. Julian put away the half eaten remains of what Garak assumed was his breakfast and replicated a fresh mug of some warm drink.

 

Once he was clear of the replicator, Garak walked over, got his own breakfast, and carried it back to the table.

 

As he ate, the lightly spiced scent of Julian's drink wafted across the table and Garak was suddenly struck with the image of Julian as a much younger man batting at a plant before turning to him with wide, startled eyes. Garak looked up to properly see the man sitting across from him. He could see traces of his vision in the Julian there. His eyes were still large and expressive, though not as unguarded as they had once been. And the Julian he was now sitting with didn't seem to be intimidated or thrown off by him at all. Garak curled his hands around his utensils, suppressing the urge to reach out and touch Julian, knowing that the gesture would be unwelcome.

 

“I contacted your office,” Julian announced, breaking Garak out of his trance. “I let them know that you were ill and wouldn't be in for a while.”

 

“They were alright with that?” Garak asked, mostly just to ask something.

 

Julian nodded. “We're married and they know me. They trust me to look after your health. Besides, you've got some excellent people working for you. The government will be in good hands until I'm satisfied that you're well.”

 

Garak nodded, then a thought occurred to him. “And  _ your _ job?”

 

“It's been taken care of,” Julian replied. “I'm still on call, but barring any emergencies I will be here looking after you.” He gave Garak what was meant to be a reassuring smile. “The treatment is safe enough to continue here as long I’m on hand to monitor you.”

 

Rather than speak, Garak gave another slow nod.

 

Julian took a sip of his drink, wrapping both hands around his mug, and for just a moment Garak was hit with such a strong sense of familiarity that his chest ached. It was frightening how much he felt for this man he’d only known for a few days, and yet when he found himself getting lost in Julian’s eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to pull away.

 

\--

 

Despite having a whole house to themselves, it was impossible for Garak and Julian to truly avoid each other. For one thing the house was fairly small with a very limited number of rooms. For another, despite Julian’s resolution to maintain a sense of propriety by keeping some physical distance between them, he  _ did _ have to continue Garak’s treatment and check his progress.

 

Julian tried valiantly to remain professional during these checks, but Garak caught him staring longingly more than once.

 

The important thing was that Garak's memories were beginning to return. Most of the returning memories were, naturally, related to his life on Cardassia. The time that he’d spent on Deep Space 9 was proving more stubborn, but those memories were returning as well. For example, he now recognized most of the people in the holoimages that Julian kept in their bedroom.

 

However his memories involving Julian were slower to return. In a way that was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because Garak suspected that Julian wouldn’t lay an unprofessional finger on him until Julian was satisfied that Garak had made a full recovery and Garak was already slightly overwhelmed by his longing for the other man. It was a curse because he desperately wanted to know more about the man he’d apparently married and who even now he felt drawn to.

 

Unlike his waking memories, his dreams were filled with Julian. Julian in uniform, Julian in various costumes, Julian kissing him hello and goodbye. Julian was everywhere. Garak felt comfortable in concluding that at least some of the dreams were based on things that had actually happened, but they offered no context for the moments they showed him.

 

For instance, there was a recurring set of dreams that involved both him and Julian wearing an old style of Human suit, the same style that Julian wore in their wedding photo. At first he’d wondered if the dreams were of their wedding, but dream Julian’s annoyance with him and the fact that in the dream Julian kept kissing beautiful women ended that theory. One dream in this series proved particularly alarming and made Garak wish desperately for some context.

 

He and Julian were arguing in a cave somewhere. Their chances of survival were growing slimmer and slimmer by the moment but Julian’s self-sacrificing nature wouldn’t let him see how hopeless the situation was rapidly becoming. Garak turned and began to walk away. He would get out of there and survive, no matter the cost.

 

Suddenly there was a loud crack and an explosion of pain in his neck. Garak collapsed against the cave wall for support as Julian, his expression cold and clinical, crossed to his side and examined the wound he’d caused. Garak gazed in both wariness and wonder at the man before him. Julian was far more attractive when he was in the middle of one of their passionate debates, but this…this was Julian at his most dangerous and it was also quite enticing. Garak had to resist the urge to reach out and pull Julian against him, knowing the impulse would only be misunderstood. Instead he let Julian lead him back into danger, not quite happy to follow, but accepting of his fate nonetheless.

 

The morning after that dream, he was the first to wake, so he settled in the dining room with breakfast while he waited for Julian to make his appearance.

 

It wasn't long before Julian, still bleary-eyed from sleep, wandered in. He did a quick double take at seeing Garak up first, but quickly moved on to the more important matter of food.

 

Garak waited until Julian had sat down at the table before speaking.

 

“You shot me,” Garak stated. It was meant to throw Julian off-guard as much as to draw out answers. Garak knew he should have been more concerned that he was being tended to by a man who had shot him in the past, but he had a confidence in Julian that he couldn’t rationally explain.

 

Julian's eyes went wide with surprise before his expression became a more sheepish one. “I didn't have a choice,” he mumbled. “I tried to minimize the damage, but I did what I had to do to protect the senior staff.”

 

As soon as the words left Julian's mouth Garak could feel things clicking into place until he finally had a full picture of their adventure in Julian's secret agent holosuite program.

 

“I know,” Garak replied quietly, because now he did know. He understood the decision Julian had had to make and why Julian had chosen to pull that trigger, it was the same reason Garak had tried to destroy the Changeling planet despite knowing that success would kill Julian as well: duty came before personal relationships.

 

Julian looked at him for a moment, likely trying to determine how truthful Garak was being. Then a fond smile slowly spread across his lips.

 

“We nearly got together after that,” Julian said as his fork absently tapped against his food. “Everything between us was just so...electric. I might have kissed you when you first broke into the holosuite if I hadn’t been so annoyed...or if I’d realized that you were _ jealous _ .” Julian chuckled softly. “And then when we had lunch the day after, you kept looking at me like you were waiting for something, and I never dreamed that you were actually seriously  _ interested _ in me, and then…” Julian shook his head to drag himself out of his reminiscence. “It all worked out in the end, regardless.”

 

Garak glanced at Julian’s hand, lying temptingly between them on the table. Gently, ever so gently, he laid his own on top of it. Julian jumped slightly at the contact, his eyes darting to their overlapping hands then back to Garak’s face, but he ultimately accepted it and stilled.

 

“I may not remember everything, my dear, but I am incredibly grateful that things have worked out in such a way that you are by my side.”

 

Julian stared at him for a moment, then he began to tear up and turned away.

 

“Julian?” Garak asked, concerned at the other’s sudden shift in emotions. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

 

“It’s fine.” A sniffle undermined Julian’s reassurance. “That...that was just very touching. I’m sorry I frightened you.” Julian lifted his face back to Garak. Despite the tears in his eyes, Julian was smiling warmly.

 

It was then Garak noticed that through everything, Julian hadn’t pulled his hand away. Without thinking, Garak shifted their hands so that their fingers were intertwined in the Cardassian equivalent of a kiss.

 

He could hear Julian’s breathing stutter from across the table.

 

After a moment, Julian spoke, his voice trembling. “Elim, could you please let go.”

 

That quiet statement was more powerful than if Julian had shouted at the top of his lungs. Instantly, Garak released his hand and recoiled, allowing Julian to flee the room.

 

\--

 

The two of them managed to avoid each other for the rest of the day, with the exception of Garak’s treatment, although Julian spent that time hiding behind a professional mask.

 

Garak’s sleep was fitful and he found himself awake earlier than he would have liked. Silently, he slipped out of the bedroom and began to creep towards the dining room, his intention to retrieve breakfast, when he heard Julian speaking. Curious, he headed through the dining room and snuck closer to the living room.

 

Julian sat on the couch with a PADD lying on the coffee table. He was speaking as if performing a monologue rather than engaged in a conversation.

 

“It’s been so hard,” Julian said. “I miss him so much, even though he’s almost right there in front of me. Sometimes Elim will do or say something that’s so close to normal I forget for a moment…” Julian let out a sigh. “I’ve been very careful not to pressure him, I still remember what happened with Serena, but… Well, you know how he is. So I don't always know if he's telling the truth or if he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear.” Julian shook his head. “I don’t know if any of this is going to make sense, Miles. I just needed to  _ tell _ someone.” Julian paused for a moment, considering, then he said, “Delete message.”

 

The PADD chirped to let Julian know that it had done as requested.

 

Julian groaned and leaned back against the couch, tossing his head over the back, his eyes closed.

 

Garak drew closer, deliberately making a little noise to alert Julian to his presence.

 

Julian opened his eyes, but didn’t move. “How long have you been here?”

 

Instead of answering Garak slid his hands onto the back of the couch, his fingers just brushing Julian’s shoulders. “We first met in the replimat on Deep Space 9. I sat at your table and introduced myself. You were wonderfully flustered, a perfect picture of nervous curiosity. When I stood up to leave, I circled behind you, just like this, and placed my hands on your shoulders.” Garak moved his hands to demonstrate, keeping his touch light. “And then I said how pleased I was to make an interesting new friend, knowing that you likely would never understand the significance of my touching you like that, while simultaneously hoping that I’d managed to titillate your particular sensibilities enough that you would come to my shop and either beg for or demand my attentions.”

 

“Elim,” Julian began softly, but Garak didn't let him finish.

 

“I'm not sure yet when lust turned to love, though I certainly tried to deny and ignore my feelings for as long as I could, and yet…” Garak sighed, letting the sentence drift away.

 

Julian’s eyes sparkled with relief and a smile appeared on his face. “You really are coming back to me,” he whispered, as if he could barely believe it himself. For a moment Garak caught a glimpse of the worries that Julian had been carrying.

 

“My dear,” Garak murmured, “I love you and I hope that soon I will be recovered enough that you will let me show you exactly how I feel about you.”

 

Julian’s breath hitched for a moment, but he didn’t pull away from Garak’s hands or recoil from his gaze. Instead, he simply replied “I hope so too.”

 

Garak resisted the overwhelming urge to kiss Julian and instead lightly ran his fingers over Julian's cheek. “It's hard to believe that you're here now. When I left the station, you were involved with Lieutenant Dax, and I remember how infatuated you were with her when you two first arrived.”

 

Julian let out a rueful chuckle. “Different hosts. I was involved with Ezri. She joined with Dax after Jadzia’s death.” He sighed and shook his head. “It was a mess. Neither of us was really thinking clearly when she and I got together, and we fell apart once the threat of war was no longer looming over our heads. She went to Trill and I came to Cardassia.”

 

Garak would have replied, but he was cut off by Julian’s stomach loudly rumbling. Julian grinned and stood up, suggesting they continue the conversation over breakfast.

 

\--

 

Much of the tension and caution that had blocked their interactions over the previous days melted away. Reassured that Garak’s memories of him were returning, Julian became far more comfortable and relaxed in Garak’s company.

 

Over the next few days they spent more time together, since they were no longer trying to avoid one another. Generally they would simply discuss some of Garak’s regained memories. Garak would bring up something he half-remembered, and Julian would help provide context, which often also unlocked more memories in Garak’s mind.

 

“I tried to have you carry out my shri-tal,” Garak commented. They sat facing each other on the couch, discussing the incident that led to the deactivation of his implant.

 

Julian smiled wryly. “Yes, I realized the significance of that later, once I learned what a shri-tal was.” He looked directly into Garak’s eyes. “Though I  _ did  _ recognize that you were trying to give me your dying words. I  _ am _ a doctor.”

 

“I could have told you so many things,” Garak murmured. “So many pretty lies, with rare crumbs of truth mixed in.”

 

“I would much rather have you alive than have all your secrets handed to me on a silver platter,” Julian stated, gesturing broadly with his hand that wasn’t resting on the back of the couch.

 

“Spoken like a true Federation idealist,” Garak teased. “With my secrets you could have shaped Cardassia to your will, but instead you’d prioritize the life of an exiled tailor.”

 

An explosion of laughter escaped Julian’s lips. When he calmed down enough to speak, he said, “Elim, love, if that were true you would have done so and ended your exile earlier.”

 

“Possibly,” Garak replied, hiding his surprise at Julian’s outburst behind a confident smirk. “Or maybe I had other plans to carry out.”

 

Julian chuckled, shaking his head. “You know, if this were actually fifteen years ago maybe I would fall for that. But I’m no longer  _ that _ naive, and I actually know more than you do for once.” He smiled at Garak. “I’ve missed this. It’s been a while since you actually tried to act mysterious for me.”

 

“Perhaps I’ve simply been biding my time,” Garak suggested, continuing to play the part. “Lulling you into a false sense of confidence and control, waiting for the right moment to strike you off-guard.”

 

“Oh?” Julian inched closer. “So the past few years have all been an act?”

 

“You tell me,” Garak challenged, smirking. “After all, as far as you know I don’t remember them.”

 

A strange look flickered across Julian's face. “Do you remember this?” he asked softly.

 

Before Garak even realized what was happening, Julian's lips were pressed against his in a tender kiss. Julian's hand slipped from the back of the couch and cradled Garak's skull. For a moment, Garak froze, terrified that Julian would pull back if he made any move to reciprocate.

 

But Julian’s kisses were insistent and it wasn’t long before Garak gave in and began to kiss back. Julian showed no sign of stopping, in fact he escalated things, sliding his tongue along the seam of Garak’s lips. Garak opened his mouth partially from instinct and partially from hazy memories of previous times he and Julian had done this.

 

Julian’s arm wrapped around Garak’s waist, guiding him forward as Julian leaned back. Once satisfied with their position, Julian’s hands stopped guiding Garak’s body and instead turned to caressing it. They ran across Garak's back, following the lines of his ridges through his clothing.

 

For his part, Garak used his dreams and half-remembered memories as a guide. He ran his hand lightly from just behind Julian's jaw to the collar of his shirt, tracing where the neck ridge would be on a Cardassian.

 

Julian shuddered and moaned beneath him before mimicking the caress on Garak.

 

Garak gasped into Julian's mouth, which finally prompted Julian to break the kiss. Julian looked into Garak's eyes, his loving expression darkened by the beginnings of lust.

 

“I love you, Elim,” Julian murmured. “I love you so much.”

 

Instead of resuming the kissing, Garak pulled away. He sat back on the couch and deliberately avoided Julian's hips as best he could.

 

“Elim?” Julian called to him, confused. His face was flushed and he unconsciously licked his lips.

 

“We have to stop,” Garak stated.

 

Instantly, Julian's face paled. “I pushed you into this,” he whispered, horrified at his own actions. “I...I tried to take advantage of you.”

 

“ _ No _ , Julian,” Garak said softly, trying to provide reassurance. He cupped Julian's cheek with his hand, trying to keep Julian from getting lost in his own thoughts. “I love you too, and that's why we have to stop. So  _ I _ don't take advantage of  _ you _ .”

 

“How would…” Julian started before shaking his head furiously. “Elim, I'm a doctor. I'm  _ your  _ doctor. I should know better than to let myself get caught up in…” He gestured at the two of them.

 

“Yes, you're my doctor,” Garak conceded, “but you're also my  _ husband _ . I  _ know  _ this has been hard on you and your tender heart, my dear. You've held yourself back for so long, and while I would gladly accept any scrap of affection you were to show to me, you've been struggling to keep from treating me like your husband until I've fully recovered out of fear that you would hurt me, therefore I have no choice but to do the same for you.” Garak gently stroked Julian's cheek with his thumb. “I love you, Julian. I love you more than I can bear. If we were to go any further, it would later cause you more pain. As much as I would enjoy being with you, and I  _ would _ enjoy it very much, I can’t stand the thought of hurting you.”

 

Throughout Garak's speech Julian had calmed; the color returned to his face while the anxiety faded from his eyes. 

 

“Elim,” Julian murmured, his tone conveying both  _ thank you  _ and  _ I love you dearly. _

 

Garak reluctantly pulled his hand away from Julian's face. “I've tried multiple times to take advantage of your feelings, to coax you into things you didn't want to do until my memories returned, and for that I'm deeply sorry, Julian.”

 

Julian reached out and took Garak’s hand into his own, wordlessly communicating his forgiveness.

 

An image of a much younger Julian standing above him, holding his hand and claiming to forgive Garak for whatever it was that he’d done flashed in Garak’s mind. Their eyes met, and Garak knew that Julian was remembering that moment too.

  
  


They sat together in tender silence for a bit until they mutually drew apart.

 

\--

 

That evening Garak found his attention drawn by a painting that hung on the wall. The painting was beautifully simple, using only a few lines to convey the image of a distinctly Cardassian landscape: a peak from which one could see all of Kardasi’or. On that peak stood a Cardassian man. His back was to the viewer and there was nothing distinct about him, but Garak knew that the man in the painting was supposed to be him, standing on Cardassia after his long exile.

 

In the corner was the artist’s signature. Garak read the name Tora Ziyal and instantly his mind provided him a whole swathe of memories that had previously been blocked off. His mind was filled with images of a young half-Cardassian, half-Bajoran woman who had trusted him, foolishly loved him, and tragically died.

 

When Julian found Garak standing silently in front of the painting with tears rolling down his face, he wordlessly pulled Garak into his arms and held him close.

 

“She was an innocent girl,” Garak mumbled into Julian’s shoulder. “She’d seen so much cruelty and yet she still believed in the good of people. She gave me that painting because she wanted to give me hope that I’d return to Cardassia one day.”

 

“I wish I’d gotten to know her better.” Julian’s voice was colored with regret.

 

Garak pulled back to look at Julian, confused. “But you had lunch with us,” he said. “You couldn’t join us in the sauna, my dear, but I clearly remember you eating with us in the replimat.”

 

Julian glanced away, uncomfortable. “No, I… That wasn’t me.”

 

Garak remained confused until suddenly more memories came flooding back. “Oh, Julian,” he said helplessly, crushing Julian’s body against his. His beloved Julian, even if he hadn’t exactly been ‘his’ at the time, had been replaced for a month and Garak hadn’t noticed. It didn’t matter that this had happened years ago, Garak had still failed Julian and he still felt horrible. “I’m so sorry.”

 

His mind wasn’t done torturing him. Along with that realization had come the memories of a series of awful dreams. In the dreams Julian would show him the affection he’d so desperately craved, but as they were kissing or talking or having sex or whatever other action they took in the dream, Julian began to melt around him, revealing himself to be a Changeling as it reverted to its liquid state. From there the dreams always proceeded in the same way: the Changeling would take up more and more room until Garak found himself drowning in it. Sometimes he discovered the real Julian’s corpse floating in the middle of the pool, but usually he had awoken scrambling at the sheets and desperate for air.

 

Some of his internal distress must have shown through because Julian began rubbing his back and murmuring soothing reassurances in his ear. Eventually, Garak calmed enough to loosen his grip on Julian's shirt.

 

“It's alright,” Julian said softly. “I'm here now. You're safe. We both are.”

 

“I should have known,” Garak murmured.

 

“No one knew,” Julian replied quickly. This was clearly well-trodden ground between them.

 

“But  _ I _ should have,” Garak insisted.

 

Julian said nothing for a moment, then, hesitantly, he spoke. “I would’ve liked for you to have known,” he confessed, “but that was a selfish wish born from a desperate need for comfort. While I was in solitary, I’d imagine how you would discover that I’d been replaced by noticing some minor detail that no one else would have paid any attention to. I told myself stories about how surely  _ you  _ had noticed that something was off and were working with the others to stage a rescue. When I saw you in that prison camp, I thought, for a brief moment, that the solitary had actually driven me mad.”

 

“I failed you.”

 

Julian shook his head firmly. “No, Elim. You  _ saved  _ me. It didn’t work out like I’d fantasized, but  _ you _ saved me from that prison camp.” A soft sigh escaped Julian. “I’ve messed this up horribly. I came over here to comfort you and I’ve only managed to make you feel worse.”

 

Garak lifted his head to look incredulously at Julian. “Julian, these are some of the worst memories I have. I allowed myself to care for you and Ziyal, and I failed you both. It was only by miraculous chance that I was given the opportunity to rescue you and make up for that failing. I would have gladly forgotten them if I could have. That’s likely why it took me so long to remember them in the first place.” Garak raised his hand to caress Julian’s cheek. “But every recovered memory brings me closer to you, dear husband.”

 

Julian closed his eyes and sighed as he leaned into Garak’s touch. “You’re only missing a few months here and there,” he said hopefully. “A few more days, a week at most, and you should be fully recovered.”

 

“I’m looking forward to it,” Garak confessed. He smiled despite Julian not being able to see it. “Do you remember our wedding night?”

 

Julian chuckled and opened his eyes slightly. “I have near-perfect recall, love. But I would remember that night for the rest of my life regardless.” Both a smile and a blush appeared on his face.

 

“Perhaps when my memories are recovered, we could relive some of it. To celebrate,” Garak suggested hopefully.

 

Julian’s smile shifted into a smirk. “You are incorrigible,” he replied, before deliberately stepping back, away from Garak’s touch. “I miss you,” he said wistfully.

 

“I'm right here, dear,” Garak couldn't resist pointing out, though he did respect Julian's wishes by not moving closer.

 

Julian rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean, Elim.” The words were tender and gentle.

 

“I do indeed,” Garak replied, ignoring the urge to step forward, take Julian into his arms, and kiss away the man's pain. He had promised to wait, and he would wait as long as it took.

 

\--

 

As long as it took proved to only be a few more days.

 

Garak couldn’t find any gaps in his memories, but he let Julian question him for well over an hour until Julian was finally satisfied that his husband’s memories had returned.

 

The two stood staring at each other after Julian proclaimed Garak’s memories complete. They had been holding back from each other for so long, now that they had finally granted themselves permission to touch they were unsure of how to proceed.

 

“Elim,” Julian finally said, breaking the awkward silence, “come here and kiss me.”

 

Garak only hesitated for a moment before he walked over to Julian.

 

Their lips met in a kiss that was soft and tender. Though both of them could tell the other was full of lust and passion that he longed to express, they held back, letting this kiss stand as a gentle reunion.

 

“I love you so much, Elim,” Julian said when they broke apart. “Never forget that.”

 

Garak smiled at him. “As if I ever could,” he teased. He caught Julian’s look of fond exasperation and decided to expand on that thought. “Didn’t you wonder why I was so quick to trust you despite not knowing anything about you? It was because I still loved you, and I knew that you loved me.”

 

Julian smiled despite himself and raised his hand to caress Garak’s cheek. “You actually believe that, don't you?”

 

Garak shrugged. “What other explanation could there be? That you won me over with your charm and impossible stories?”

 

“Didn't I?” Julian challenged, eyes sparkling with delight at the return to normality.

 

“Julian, if you're going to be  _ this  _ flirtatious, we should probably move to the bedroom,” Garak suggested with a smirk.

 

“To relive our wedding night, I believe you suggested?” Julian's voice dropped to a husky whisper.

 

Garak could feel himself beginning to respond to Julian, and judging by Julian's expression he wasn't far behind. Clearly it had been too long since they'd last been intimate.

 

It was a minor miracle that they made it to the bed before they fell to ravishing each other.

 

Once they were done, they lay together, Garak lying against Julian’s side with Julian’s arm wrapped around him.

 

“I knew this would look lovely on you,” Garak murmured, brushing his fingers across the betrothal knife that lay against Julian's skin.

 

Julian smiled. “You said as much when you gave it to me.”

 

“On a Cardassian the silver color would blend in, but on you the contrast is striking and beautiful.”

 

“Openly declaring our love to the world,” Julian chimed in, placing a gentle kiss on Garak's cheek.

 

“You lied to me, you know,” Garak stated, a teasing smirk on his lips.

 

Julian rolled his eyes fondly. “As if you're one to talk,” he replied.

 

“The handcuffs,” Garak explained. “They have a safety latch. You could have escaped from them at any time and tried to catch me unawares.”

 

“Well, I was hardly going to tell  _ that _ to a hardened Obsidian Order operative,” Julian countered lightly.

 

Garak kissed him on the lips, softly and sweetly. “Thank you for saving the sheets,” he murmured gratefully. “I  _ would _ have been furious with myself if I'd destroyed them.”

 

Julian chuckled smugly against his lips and then gave him another kiss, slow and loving. “Thank you for coming back to me.”

 

“In my heart I never really left,” Garak replied.


End file.
